| Chick: A hatchling | | | | in arms reach. As for the coop itself, |
| Capon: A castrated male used for meat. | | | | there is a gift for tight chicken wire, |
| (How much could that yield?) | | | | which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first |
| Pullet: A female chicken under one year | | | | attempt at a coop looks like Dr. Seuss |
| old. | | | | dropped a hit of acid, blasted some |
| Hen: A female chicken over one year of | | | | Jefferson Starship and rolled around on |
| age | | | | the wire with every Who in Whoville. I |
| Rooster: A male chicken over one year of | | | | think I'll keep it. |
| age. | | | | Inferior design aside, I ultimately |
| Raising Chickens for the first time can | | | | learned a thing or two. The nesting |
| be intimidating. When I first called the | | | | boxes are supposed to be up off the |
| Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a | | | | ground. That is correct. For those of |
| pro. I asked, "Do you sell pullets?" | | | | you keeping score you just spent two |
| "Yes", the man replied. "Are they all | | | | weeks cutting back the birds flight |
| females?" It's been an uphill battle | | | | feathers only to hang their houses in |
| ever since. | | | | the sky. It's just sick. |
| Pullet parenthood is an much of an | | | | Higher than the nest boxes, you are to |
| adventure as child rearing, only with | | | | build a roost. This is where the birds |
| more feces per pound of body weight. | | | | crap at night so they do not crap on |
| However, I've been reading quite a bit | | | | your breakfast eggs. Of course the roost |
| on poultry matters. (Yes, my coolness | | | | is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so |
| just turned over in its grave.) So if I | | | | whatever you do, don't use those |
| am correct and I am quite certain I am | | | | perforated plastic milk crates. |
| not, here is how chicken rearin' goes. | | | | For young birds maintain a heat light in |
| Go to your local feed store and purchase | | | | the hen house. Then on cooler nights an |
| $10.00 worth of chicks and $50 worth of | | | | animal with a brain the size of an |
| food and supplies. Don't forget the | | | | bulimic toe nail clipping will make the |
| water dispensers. Buying the metal ones, | | | | conscious decision to forgo your nest |
| never plastic is always advised. I have | | | | boxes, bypass the instinctual roost and |
| yet to see a metal one. | | | | leap into a tanning bed. |
| Next, place the chicks somewhere | | | | And finally there is the feed regime. I |
| sheltered, like a bedroom closet. Toss | | | | asked several experts and read up on |
| in some highly flammable straw or wood | | | | feeding as well. Make sure to give your |
| shavings and promptly dangle a glowing | | | | chickens, starter formula, mash, growth |
| heat lamp just above them. Note to self: | | | | formula, start & grow, brood formula, |
| Update homeowner's policy. | | | | grit, no grit, scraps, no scraps, goat |
| For the next several weeks feed them 3 | | | | placenta, nothing suggested on the |
| lbs of food per day and remove 4 lbs of | | | | internet, tetramyaicn, no antibiotics, |
| sh*t per day from the closet. Despite | | | | medicated starter, non-medicated starter |
| all logic the birds get bigger. As the | | | | and never ever switch in-between. |
| adult feathers grow in be sure to clip | | | | I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but |
| one of their wings. That is one per | | | | I'm working on it. Though I am still a |
| bird, not just one wing total. If | | | | zoologist and I still know Birds 101. |
| clipping is done late chicks will nest | | | | Here are two myths I can help with. |
| in your toilet. This is a bad thing. | | | | First, you do not need a rooster to get |
| Clipping can be accomplished by tossing | | | | eggs. Most folk, especially those who |
| your scissors and your body into the | | | | have never owned chickens, will advise |
| heaping mound of chicks, poop and straw. | | | | you on chickens. Each will insist you |
| Grab a wiggling screeching bird from the | | | | need a rooster for a while to do his |
| bile pile. Restrain it with one hand. | | | | manly duties, then you can slip him in |
| Stretch the wing out with your second | | | | the pot. As appealing as this concept |
| hand. Clip off 50% of the wings outer | | | | is, your pot is a separate issue. |
| ten feathers with your third hand. | | | | Roosters are only needed to make fertile |
| As the birds grow adjust the heat light | | | | eggs. Hens are all that is needed to |
| temperature down by one degree per day. | | | | make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are |
| No, this is not actually possible. | | | | just peachy if raising chicks was such a |
| That's not my point. You start at 100 | | | | joy the first time you want to repeat |
| degrees for hatchlings then continue | | | | the whole freakin' process. In addition |
| down by one degree per day until your | | | | there is always the risk of breaking a |
| bedroom is a minimum of 3 degrees cooler | | | | fertilized egg open and finding a 50% |
| than the spring blizzard outside your | | | | formed chick fetus hitting your hot |
| window. | | | | skillet. Yum! Years of therapy will |
| Once you have frozen your ear to your | | | | follow. |
| semi-cannibalistic down pillow and the | | | | To keep it straight in your mind |
| chicks have grown their adult feathers, | | | | consider this: You are going about your |
| they can be moved outside to the coop. I | | | | life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium |
| estimate the initial closet rearing | | | | start stacking up inside your abdomen. |
| stage to have taken five years. | | | | Are you going to hold on to them just |
| Before the move, experience the Joy of | | | | because you have not had sex lately? |
| Wing Clipping one more time. Feather | | | | The second bird myth is totally |
| clipping never works the first time. No | | | | unrelated so I thought I would mention |
| one knows why. Still, after all the | | | | it. Penguins occur in nature from the |
| hassle you probably don't want them to | | | | Equator on Southward. That is down to |
| fly the coop in under sixty seconds. Of | | | | the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they |
| course, if you're like me, by this time | | | | do not hang out with Polar Bears who |
| you may be inclined to pack them each a | | | | live in the Arctic. No, you did not see |
| lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound | | | | them when you worked in Alaska, in the |
| tickets by the open coop gate. | | | | Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not |
| Regarding habitat construction: Hen | | | | sorry you look stupid to all those folks |
| houses and chicken coops are a | | | | you told penguin tales to. |
| competitive art form. There are a myriad | | | | Yes, some penguin species even reside on |
| of web sites showing off architectural | | | | the Galapagos Islands at the equator |
| designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird | | | | (Cold weather would kill them), not |
| Bordellos. The meticulous craftsmanship | | | | floating around on icebergs - and not in |
| makes my own home look like - well - | | | | the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are |
| like a chicken coop. | | | | not all in one basket. Delusional, |
| Always fashionable, I went with a shabby | | | | close-minded people who insist you need |
| chic motif for my coop. The nesting | | | | a rooster to fertilize your penguin eggs |
| boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk | | | | so polar bears won't loose their food |
| crates affixed to the wall by anything | | | | supply drove me crazy! |